I Promise
by Time Flares
Summary: *Trigger Warning: Suicidal Themes* Merlin has been withdrawn, and Arthur intends to find out why. But when Arthur starts looking, he learns more than he bargained for. (If this theme triggers you, please don't read.) One-shot


Merlin has been acting odd as of late. And not the odd he usually is; with his bumbling smile, constant clumsiness, and unusual optimism. No, this was quite the opposite. Arthur had noticed that the bright eyes of the boy who had strolled into Camelot one day had since started fading, but now it was happening at alarming rates. He didn't even seem to put any effort into doing the things Arthur had presumed he enjoyed. Every "good morning, Merlin" or "Want to have a drink at the tavern later?", was answered with a sad excuse of a grin or a shrug of disinterest. Although Arthur would never admit it aloud, he cared quite a bit about Merlin's well-being; which at times became overwhelming when his friend decided to throw himself into danger for the safety of others. Self-sacrificing idiot.

' _H_ _e doesn't care if he dies.'_

That thought stopped Arthur in his tracks. Merlin couldn't think that. Could he? It's not like he had a harder life than any other servant in Camelot. But how well did he really know his friend? Sure, they spent most of the day together, but Merlin was always working during that time. What about those days when Merlin was gone for hours at a time? Arthur never thought that he could be anywhere but the tavern, drinking, while neglecting his chores.

Arthur had already deducted that there was more to his servant than meets the eye, but how much? He then decided it was about time he found out. No matter what people thought on the matter, Merlin is his friend, and he isn't about to let him slip away without a fight.

* * *

It'd taken hours for Arthur to find him. He'd looked everywhere he thought his servant _would_ be, and then everywhere he wouldn't. Finally, he'd looked up on the castle walls. Arthur thought back to his younger years, and even some recent times, when the pressure of everyone's expectations became too much and he would come up here to think. And sure enough, there Merlin was, leaning against the wall on his palms, staring out into the night. Arthur was about to approach him, when he started to speak.

"I know it's my destiny, I know it's my purpose, but...shit, it's so hard," Merlin said, voice cracking near the end. Arthur was taken aback, he'd never really heard Merlin swear before. Arthur thought maybe Merlin was talking to him, but then he continued.

"Freya...father...I miss you both so much. I only knew both of you for a short time, but I didn't have to hide from you. For once I felt accepted, I felt happy. Mother and Gaius, I know they care just as I care for them, but they could never understand."

What was he talking about? Who were these people? Merlin said he'd never met his father, why would he lie? These people had obviously passed on, so why was Merlin coming to talk to them instead of Gaius or him?

' _He doesn't trust you',_ a voice said in his head. How could he have let it come to this. Arthur had always confided in Merlin, with things he'd never told another soul. But, apparently, Merlin didn't feel the same way.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I know this is selfish, but I'm tired of just feeling like a pawn in destiny's game. All I can ask is that...there's someone to help Arthur complete his half of the prophecy."

Prophecy? Maybe Merlin _had_ been drinking at the tavern…

"I love you, I'll see you both soon."

What?! No, he couldn't mean it. But as Merlin started to climb upon the wall, Arthur's heart stopped at the realness of the situation. He quickly got up from his place in the tower doorway and skidded out into the cold breeze atop the wall. Merlin was already fully standing, inches from the edge. Arthur didn't want to frighten him, but he couldn't help himself from shouting, "Merlin!", prompting the man to quickly spin around at the sudden noise. Merlin looked so scared, so confused.

"Arthur? What are you doing up here? It's freezing," Merlin exclaimed as his body shivered, as if to prove his point. "I could ask the same of you," Arthur said trying to stay calm, but failing miserably. Merlin's eyes flicked down to the stone beneath his feet. Tears had begun to prick at the corners of his eyes as he tried to slow his breathing.

Arthur thought very carefully on what he was about to say, not wanting to push Merlin over the edge, _literally._ "Merlin...who's Freya?"

Merlin's eyes widened larger than the moon above their head, prompting the tears to start rolling down his flushed cheeks. And then he cried. Arthur didn't know what to do, so he started to slowly approach Merlin's spot on the wall.

"Don't," Merlin said, not looking up to meet the other man's eyes. Arthur stopped and slowly raised his hands in surrender. He could now feel tears in his own eyes just from the sight of his friend so distraught that he thought _this_ was the answer.

"Merlin, it's okay. Just...please come down," Arthur said, trying to not become hysterical.

Merlin sniffled, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry, but I can't. I need to finish this," Merlin paused and looked over the edge, "You weren't supposed to be here," he said in barely above a whisper. They stood there for a while in silence, neither moving, afraid of what the other would do. Merlin opened and closed his mouth a couple times. Arthur took this as a sign he wanted to say something.

"Whatever it is, you can tell me," Arthur said as firmly as he could manage. Merlin let out another small sob.

"If I did...you'd _want_ me to do this," Merlin croaked, peering over the edge.

Arthur's heart felt like it was covered in ice. How could Merlin think that? Arthur would never wish this upon him. He'd seen the evidence of previous suicides from the walls. The grotesque, mangled bodies strewn upon the rocks below; images he could never forget. Sometimes, they wouldn't find them for days, even weeks; the stench, more than enough to cause the poor soul that found the rotting corpse to retch. Images of Merlin's body taking their place couldn't help but seep into his mind. He shook his head, as if that would help rid them.

"Merlin, whatever is troubling you could not be worse than this."

Merlin gave him a wary glance, not believing him.

" _Merlin_ ," Arthur said, gaining his attention, " _I promise_."

' _I've got nothing left to lose_ ', Merlin thought. So he told him. He told him everything. From Freya, to his father, and then his magic. After all, Arthur couldn't kill him if he was already dead; and he deserved to know.

After it was all over, Arthur stood there frozen in shock, mind racing. Magic was evil, but Merlin had never done an evil deed, even the darkest of situations. So magic wasn't evil? He always had his suspicions; after all, most of the 'crimes' sorcerers committed and were killed for were just menial, daily tasks. Arthur never thought his point of view on something could be changed so easily, but here Merlin was, changing it in a matter of minutes.

Arthur had been trying to find his voice to say something, _anything_ , for what felt like an eternity. But Merlin decided to make the first move.

"I've already accepted your hatred for my kind, so there's no need to call for an execution. I can do this myself," Merlin said with more sadness in his voice than Arthur had ever heard.

He then turned his head back to face Arthur, who was still at a panicked loss for words. Merlin smiled a little; but not one of happiness. It was one of acceptance.

"I love you like a brother, Arthur. That will never change, no matter what you think of me. I hope one day you're kingdom will be accepting of those with my gift and a good heart. You should know, I was born this way, but since the day I arrived in Camelot, I've only ever used my magic to help," he paused, "I only used it for you," Merlin then turned to face the open night air once more, tense shoulders relaxing.

He inched towards the edge, and said what he thought to be his final words.

"I love you, and I'm sorry."

He then leaned forward, and all Arthur's senses came back. He ran forward and yelled in horror as he watched his best friend fall away in what seemed like slow-motion. Instinct took over as he reached the wall, grabbing the back of Merlin's signature blue shirt just as his feet left the wall. Arthur didn't know where the strength came from, but he hauled Merlin back onto the top of the wall in one swift motion. But as Arthur landed in a sitting position, Merlin fell back, slamming his head into the stone with a sickening crack. Arthur quickly caught his breath, hauled himself to his knees, and crawled over to where he'd thrown Merlin.

He'd _thrown_ Merlin.

The sound of skull colliding with stone replayed in his head, making him wince. He put both hands on Merlin's shoulders, gently trying to rouse him from his unconscious state.

"Merlin! Merlin, please. I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to."

But he wasn't stirring. Arthur checked for a pulse, and let out a short sigh of relief when he felt the small thumping under his fingers. Though that didn't ease the seriousness of the situation. Gaius had reminded him time and time again how serious head injuries could be.

He'd seen too many people die from what Merlin had experienced moments ago; if not immediately, then over time when they didn't see proper care. He didn't know if he should move him, but there was no one around to hear if he tried to call for help (and there was no way in hell that he was leaving him). So he hauled the younger man into his arms, and started his trek back in the direction he had come from when he was blissfully unaware of what he would find.

* * *

The kingdom was asleep by the time he made it back down from the tower and into the courtyard. He was almost at Gaius' quarters now, thankfully; any further and his arms might give out. As Arthur arrived at Gaius', he noticed light coming from under the door. Good, he wouldn't have to awaken the older man.

Arthur was still carrying all of Merlin's weight in his arms, so he kicked the open and rushed in. Gaius was sitting at their dining table when Arthur burst through the door, all but jumping out of his skin at the sudden disturbance. But when his eyes landed on the limp form being cradled in his king's arms, Gaius swept over to them at speeds Arthur thought impossible of someone his age. He started visually assessing the damage and spoke in a voice void of his calm, physician stature. "What happened?"

"He-," Arthur swallowed, "he fell. He hit his head."

Gaius knew there was more to the story, but decided that was good enough for now. He nodded and gestured for Arthur to lay Merlin on the patient bed, then started swiftly working on different potions and herbal mixtures. Arthur didn't want to get in the way of the older man's work, so he pulled a chair to the opposite side of Merlin's side and watched as Gaius worked.

About an hour later, when Gaius was cleaning up the bandages and bottles he had used, Arthur finally spoke up.

"Gaius…," he said attentively. Gaius turned his head to the younger man, and seeing the seriousness on his face, set aside his tidying and sat down in the chair opposite of Arthur's.

"Gaius, tonight Merlin-" He swallowed at the heaviness of what was about to be said, "Merlin tried to kill himself tonight."

Gaius' breath caught in his throat. When Merlin had first arrived in Camelot he had confided in him about all his dark thoughts and troubles; but lately he had withdrawn from even him. He had suspected Merlin was distraught, but not to this extent. Gaius motioned for him to continue, so Arthur repeated everything Merlin had said to him. Halfway through he realized Gaius was already aware of Merlin's abilities and heroics. It didn't surprise Arthur, though. He suspected as much, with Gaius being his guardian. Arthur then explained his feelings and whole-hearted acceptance of who Merlin was. Arthur was taken aback though when tears welled in the older man's eyes. He truly thought Merlin would be executed.

"Gaius, is he going to be okay?"

Gaius sighed, "The head injury isn't too serious, just a small concussion. But in the state you found him...he will have to be watched closely. Arthur nodded at this; Merlin hadn't decided to live, he had decided for him.

At that moment, the man in question began to stir. Both men intently watched as Merlin's eyes fluttered open. Merlin gazed at Gaius with hazy eyes, and then to Arthur.

Arthur smiled a genuine smile, "Merlin."

But Merlin was far from joyous at his awakening. He started to sob, and both men looked at each other in concern before Arthur swiftly pulled Merlin into a hug. The younger man struggled at first, but after a couple minutes he sank into Arthur's embrace and wept into the older man's shirt. Not wanting to intrude on the private moment, Gaius busied himself across the room.

After Merlin's cries had died down, Arthur spoke to him in a sincere, soothing tone, "Merlin, _please_ , don't ever do that again."

Merlin untangled himself from the comfort of Arthur's soft shirt. He looked confused, so Arthur continued.

"You didn't even give me a chance to let me tell you my feelings up there. Merlin, you're my best friend, _my brother_. That will never change, no matter who you are. If you have magic, then it truly cannot be evil. I love you, Merlin, and if you ever do anything like that again, I swear I'll follow you right over the edge."

Merlin sat there, absorbing what had been said. Arthur loved him. He loved him and he was okay with who he was; who he'd always been. Merlin then smiled, brighter than Arthur had seen in what felt like a lifetime, before Arthur pulled him into another hug.

They both sat like that for awhile in comfortable silence. Merlin sniffled again and spoke into Arthur's shirt, "We'll be okay?"

Arthur smiled. Despite all the events of the evening, he believed they would be stronger than ever. Two sides of the same coin. Soulmates. Brothers, bound by destiny. So when Arthur spoke again, truth rang in his voice like a song, only to be spoken to the man in his arms.

"We'll be okay...I promise."


End file.
